I'm sorry to read of the problems you've been having. I was just reading another section where you described the nature of the stuff you're dealing with. In my opinion, it's perfectly natural for you to have an urge, but you're using the tools from your "RI" toolbox. That's a sign that you're really working that program. Keep writing about it as the day progresses. I know you're in a rough spot...we're here to give support.