Hello all. I've been bipolar most of my life, retrospectively, though i've only really known about it for about 9 years, when I was treated for the first time after a major episode. I didn't really believe the diagnosis then, since I am basically a very high-functioning individual who most people just think has a lot of great energy, but they don't see the darker sides of things and all of the irritability. I went off the meds because of a reaction and was unmedicated until just a few months ago.

In the spring, I had a hard time with anxiety because of the racist, bigoted political climate in the US right now (after 8 years of relative peace, at least domestically). This was compounded by the fact that my partner told me they want to try non-monogamy, since that is the way they have lived in the past. I have never lived that way, I really need a lot of stability in my life. Over the past 9 years, one of the reasons I was able to get by without a lot of medication was 1) i got a great job and bought a house and insurance and took care of a lot of financial things in my life and my partner and i got married 2) i self medicated occasionally when my partner went out of town with beer and weed to alleviate the anxiety of being alone.

I used to be pretty hyper sexual, but now I just enjoy the stability and calm.

A lot of people who are bipolar talk about non-monogamy as being a god send, but it is actually what really triggered me in the spring to spiral out into a depression, which sent me into a manic episode, which in turn sent me down into a very deep, horrible depression. This horrible depression is what got me into the doc to get on meds again. I'm feeling stable, i'm not self medicating at all. but my partner really wants to talk about this issue of non-monogamy and wants to explore it, won't give it up, and I just have such a hard time with it. i want stability. i'm 35 years old now, i don't care about sex with strangers that much anymore, i feel, since i slept with so many people in the past. i don't want to get triggered, i want to be reasonable, but i just don't care about non-monogamy, i care more about my career and my stability.

ugh. what do i do?