I've spent my whole life compensating by meeting my mom's every demand and needs and living my life on autopilot since I was like 11 years old. I'm 25 years old now and I've missed out on prime moments in my life where I didn't get a chance to develop socially as youre supposed to.

Now at 25, all my unhealthy bad habits have dug their roots in and left me a mess of my former self and feeling completely isolated, alone, and broken. I've got a lot of things I need to work on and I am literally just at the very beginning of my therapy (only a few months in).

I literally have a physical ache in my chest when I think about how I've never been with anyone before. I've never had someone to lean on emotionally for support and to care for me in such ways without feeling some kind of betrayal.

I learned love was conditional from an unhealthy codependent relationship with my mother and also dealt with childhood emotional neglect and developed c-ptsd. My dad was a ****** husband and father and I learned that he was not reliable as a person and that also has shaped me. Then just last year I found out I was adopted.

I'm full of self doubt and self criticisms of how I'm not good enough and I have a fear of intimacy, despite not wanting to be alone. I'm afraid of being vulnerable and being controlled and on the other hand crave it.

I have so much I need to work on and through before I think I can become ready to put myself out there, but I so desperately want to be ready NOW.

I'm so lonely, it hurts. I want to feel happy too, I swear. It's just not that easy for me. I want to feel wanted. You know? Loved. And not just physically. But emotionally, spiritually, sexually too. WHOLE.

But I'm not there yet. I can barely keep eye contact with people on certain days. I'm still learning how to fight off those conditioned and distorted thoughts that tell me I'm not much. I hate it.

It really feels like I can't take it sometimes.

I'm sorry, I guess I just needed to vent.