Typo, I feel like I could have written most of your post. I'm in mourning too. I feel I lit fire to what I could have made of my life, sabotaged myself at every turn, and prevented myself from using the gifts that I DO have. Getting older doesn't help, but in a way it has driven me back to therapy to try to seek some help again now. I have felt hopeless for about 40 years but recently now, I just kind of reached a crisis, I guess.