Thanks for taking the time to read and respond "Winterbritt". I don't know what the trigger is to be honest.

When it first started around 2003/2004 in my first job, I thought it was work and I was sad and I was in the wrong job. One day out of frustration, I walked out and upto my managers room to tell him and quit within 3 months of starting my 1st job and maybe study an MBA or explore other options.

My best mate who was also a colleague at the time convinced me that having invested and spent 6 years completing a bachealors and a masters degree I should give it more time. So I stuck on but remained unhappy.

A year later the department shut down, so everyone found other jobs and so did I and moved to a different city, which was nice for the first few weeks / months, but turned out to be a bigger disaster for me work-wise, but I saw people around going about life as normal and thought I should learn to adjust, but I became withdrawn and remained depressed and this was when I started the cycle of gaining a lot of weight.

By this time I was also married to my girlfriend and we started our lives in a new city and going by the societal pressure and pressure from family, I bought an apartment like everyone else, bought a car, had a mortgage to pay off etc, had a job title that was sought after by many.

So I was leading this seemingly normal, but extremely unhappy life where I felt I was stuck.

I tried to tell myself it was only work that made me unhappy, I will just do it as a job and continue to do things that made me happy, but this wasn't the case, I was sad all the time.

So I took up theatre and even auditioned and performed in a play and enjoyed it and the company of people, but when it was over I came back to my old ways of living, there was no motivation to go initiate things by myself.

I also bought a motor-cycle and joined a riding club and went on rides, long-distance riding exploring the country a little bit, which I enjoyed when I ride, but eventually come back to my depression once back home.

At some point I felt I was doing all this to distract me and take me out of my depression, which I think it all helped, but didn't solve the problem.

Eventually I and my wife moved abroad and I found a job which had a slightly less-desired job title, but was a job that was easier to do than what I was originally tasked to in my previous job. However it came with it's own tight deadlines and stress so I wasn't happy and the cycle just continued.

I find it all extremely strange even writing all this.

I can joke and have funny conversations with colleagues at work or with friends on a phone call or at a work dinner I can laugh and narrate stories and seemingly come across as a perfectly normal person. But when I finish and leave or get home, I feel drained and I feel like a fake person, because my sadness comes back.

Sometimes, I feel I am just used to it and that I am ok and have been living my life like this.

When in this phase, I am procrastinating all the time. There is a lot of important stuff I ignore and put away until, there is a hard-deadline like the law will be involved if I don't do it, is when I actually do it.

For example my tax and insurance for the car, I did it on the very last day. And even though I knew the insurance was an unfair deal and more expensive I made no attempt to call and negotiate with the company as it was too much for me.

Likewise, I have done some work related travel abroad and have still not expensed my travel expenses for travel done even early in March of this year. And it is a significant amount of money spent from my own pocket which is due to come back.

It's not like there is a lot of money and I don't care or I am a lavish spender. It is just that I find it too much of a struggle to keep an eye on money matters or financial matters. I am aware we aren't doing things right or saving enough for the future for eventualities.

At work, I only do the tasks that are dire important and have a hard deadline like it involves a lot of key stake-holders and a big meeting to check if everone have completed their tasks and are we ready to ship the product. I would have made a commitment, so then I get it done, but I procrastinate and while away my time during the work day and spend hours and late-nights at home getting it done (which is a struggle).

My wife thinks, why when I can do some of the things, I am not able to do other things. For example, if I had to take my little one to the doctor I will, I will be engaged and do the necessary things like give him his meds etc.

But when she expects me to engage and help out with house chores over a weekend, I am lying down in bed watching random stuff on youtube.

The reason I do this is so I can take my mind off to a different place, where I won't be bothered with all the unhappiness. I am not even watching stuff that I like to watch, it's all completely random.

Sometimes, I am watching a new film, sometimes it's stuff about depression and other peoples experiences or just completely random stuff or about meditation and spirituality or even porn sometimes. Sometimes I even find it hard watching one video to completion, I am just switching between videos and sleep myself through it, wake up and repeat.

None of it makes me happy.

But all of these things have only made it worse for me and adds to my guilt.

I did meet my local GP once before (perhaps a year ago) and she gave me a form to fill, like a depression test, which I felt was quite extreme.

Reading my answers, she said some people overplay it and some people underplay it and that she was getting the feeling I was underplaying it.

What she asked questions about what I thought was the reason behind it, and I said work-related stress, so she was asking if I could talk to my manager about it and that I am doing all the right things already like exercise and exploring mindfulness and meditation etc. and she said give it 2 to 3 weeks and come back if it didnt' get better.

I did not tell her about the fact that this has been going on for the last 12 years and also did not go back as I didn't feel it would help and thought I could cope and get out of it myself like I have done so many times before and then I just have to maintain it.

In conclusion, no I don't think I know what the trigger is. I think it is work most of the time and it is my weight issues, but I also, to be honest, don't know what direction to take with my work.

If it is work that is causing me stress, should I just quit? What should I do after I quit? My next job if a similar one will definitely keep me unhappy.

Again, I have put in close to 14 years in my current career and I am 37, so making a career change at this point, I am vary about.

One thing is for certain, something has to change, it cannot go on like this.
I have probably been saying this to myself during the course of all these years.

And about my condition, I have NOT come out clean to everyone, only my mom and my best friend know all the details apart from my wife.

It's complex to friends who live near-by because we are in a need to meet them on a regualr basis, and I am fine and engaged during my happy phases and then I am withdrawn and always busy or sick in my sad phases. It confuses them if it is them or what else is wrong, as I am always giving reasons. At the same time, I am not comfortable coming-out clean to them also.

Sorry about the long post. But if I have to be honest, it just helped writing it all down here.

ps: And oh one more thing, it doesn't help that I have parents who fight a lot, a lot of verbal, emotional and more recently a few incidents of physical abuse on my mom by my dad just doesn't help add to the situation. They live in a different country and I am having to call my mom and dad every week and listen to their story which is all way too negative and too draining on me even for me to listen to.