That was an intense session – not the one I wanted, but perhaps the one I needed. R arrived, and brightly asked how I was doing. ‘Sorry, let’s try that again…bad question to come in with. Let me sit down, and I will ask again…How has your week been?’



I waffled and made a couple of false starts before ‘Tuesday was hell. I never imagined I could reach a point where I literally couldn’t close my eyes without being straight there.’

‘It’s more intense than usual?’

‘Yes, it is definitely more intense, and I am worried that a pattern is developing.’



R said something about whether I was concerned that this would now mean that I would not be able to sleep. I confirmed that, and then said that I wondered if it would be easier to deal with during the day, because I can distract myself more. I have been wondering about dissociation, but chances are if you’re wondering about dissociation, then you aren’t.

‘When I think about what you tell me about your nights, I picture you as very alone with this.’



‘Absolutely, and then there is the violence of it.’

‘Can you explain a little more, to help me understand?’

‘It starts with…’She called me into the bathroom to help with something, and then collapsed,’ and then goes on to the rest of the narrative.’



‘When you had your eyes closed there, I sensed that you were seeing something, but I feel a bit blocked, as though I am on the outside of that.’

‘I am not a visual person, but with that ‘She called me into the bathroom to help with something and then collapsed’…I see it all. It’s filmic.’



‘So it’s not as if you’re reading words or remembering emails that were sent. From these you have created an image that you can’t get rid of.’

‘It’s the violence of it….if we can call it the movie version.’

‘You’ve said that twice now – can you explain a bit more about what you mean?’

‘I hate making comparisons, but when Chris died, I knew nothing. The information I was given was simple..’



‘Minimal?’

‘Yes…I only knew that something was very wrong towards the end…nice job projecting thoughts and feelings, but I think she would be horrified at what has happened to me because of this. And they hoodwinked her too. ****, no. You don’t do that.’



‘When you talk about Chris, I have the sense that your values were similar.’

‘Yes, she didn’t want me to know anything about what was going on…and that’s love.’



R and I talked some more about how my relationship with Chris is entirely separate from the wider situation, and I told her that for what remains of the sacred for me, my relationship with Chris is in there.



I felt invigorated, and wanted to continue talking about the nights, but didn’t get much further than ‘It’s a spiral, that starts with…that starts with ‘She called me into the bathroom to help her with something and then collapsed…’ Why does this mental imagery cause such physical pain?’

‘Are you talking about something you are experiencing now, Lost?’

‘Yes.’ I didn’t, and don’t know how to, tell her that my arms and chest felt like they were burning. There were moments in there where I came close to asking whether I could hold her hand, and others where I would have appreciated a reminder to breathe.



She shared with me that she sensed things had come to a head today. She sensed that I am feeling overwhelmed, and reassured me that I can email next week if I need to. Next session is in two weeks.