I'm sorry you aren't getting what you need. That sounds incredibly painful. For what it's worth, I don't think what you describe sounds unreasonable in terms of needing outside contact. I know exactly what you mean about the pain of getting in touch with feelings that were buried a long time ago for very good reasons. I also struggle with feeling shame for being needy (which is just having normal needs!) and for wanting to manage my emotions on my own but sometimes not being able to. It has been helpful to have my T to fall back on in those moments. Even a tiny bit of accessing our connection is often enough to pull me back from a total meltdown now. One thing that has been helpful about her allowing outside contact without any particular rules about frequency is that it lets me "see" the full extent of my need, and it's often smaller and more manageable than it felt like when it was all bottled up inside.

So what I'm saying is that I think what you describe seems reasonable (pretty moderate, actually), and there are therapists out there who will do it. I'm just sorry that you keep bumping up against your T's limits in a way that feels traumatizing. My T has said that if I need more than she feels like she can give me, we would consider a higher level of care (like intensive outpatient). She would never tell me to just stop needing things when she knows I try my hardest to self-regulate and to get support from other people too.