I'm sorry Daisy. That's horrible. I hope the liquor can ease some of the pain

I don't think you're a bad cat mommy though.

About 1 week after I got my 2 lovebirds, one of them started having seizures. I was... horrified, didn't know what to do and what I had done wrong.
I tried calling the emergency vet but they just said that they have no clue about birds. I took her to a specialized vet the morning after. They took some of her blood and said that it's probably nothing. I was sure it was my fault. That I'm toxic, the bird was fine before, right?
A werk later they called and told me that her liver values are a bit off and they'd send me medicine for her. From then on I had to catch her every evening to give the medicine which always left her shaky and horrified.

After a while I run out of the medicine and birdie seemed to be feeling better, so I stopped it. After all the vet wasn't very concerned about her liver values and she could just have had a bad day anyway

She had 2 other seizures. I was... I Took her to the vet again. They didn't do anything and told me to wait it out. I started to feel like it must be my fault because the vet treated this little helpless thing the way doctors treat me. I'm bad so that's ok, but that's not the birds fault.

Some other seizures and a few (horrifying costly) vet visits later they told me that her liver is stopping to function and I'll eventually have to put her to sleep. See, I'm toxic...

The other day I woke up to one of the birds screaming her lungs out. They do that a lot though and I had overslept, so I ignored her and hurried out of home (to see T). Stuff got in between and I didn't manage to get home before 3p.m.
Turns out the bird had been strangling herself in one of the toys. Trying to rescue her I probably hurt her a lot because I wasn't able to hold her tight as she kept biting my hands open (literally).
Yeah

I sh'ed after every single one of those... accidents.

My point is... I emphasize a lot with what you're feeling. I still truly believe it's not your fault though. What happens to mine isn't my fault either, even if it feels like it.

Take care of yourself daisy. Having pets die is extremely painful.