It is a fact of life that it is hurtful to most parents to see their child suffer. This is not your fault, rather, it is more like a tragedy. From what you have said, you were effected by some abuse (which was not your fault, you were a kid) plus some terrible life events. Your mom still loves you and wants things to get better for you. I bet she still enjoys being with you. When you are gone, that will NOT ease her pain or extend her life. If you were gone she would miss you!