I've been seeing my T for more than 7 years. After my session this week, I felt confused. I am very comfortable with her and in some ways I feel closer to her than anyone in my life. I know it's not reciprocal, though. I know I pay her to see me. I feel like she's a stranger and that makes me sad. I skipped 2 sessions because I was away, and she asked me how long it's been, after acknowledging it's been a long time. She should have known it's 2 weeks, especially since one of them was her birthday and I sent her an email that day.

I was feeling depressed and that may have contributed to my feelings. I got angry with her and raised my voice when she tried to give me advice about my family.

She tried to see my painting in a group exhibit but went the day after it closed. It's in another exhibit and she said that she would go for sure to this one. She always said that she'd go to see my artwork if it was in a show. But my painting wasn't selected. I paid money to join a group so it's automatically exhibited with the other paintings. Therefore I don't feel it's such a big deal at all. What bothers is me that she wants to see it anyway. In my email yesterday, I said I didn't know if seeing my painting was part of her job description, and said our relationship seems blurry. She ignored that part of my email, but I expected her to.

Who is T anyway? I know she wants to go the extra mile but she hardly says anything about herself lately. I don't know why I want to share so much with her. I still make her too important. She's the one who says we have a relationship, and signs "Love, T" on every email.

In the session I asked her to say something and she did. I can't explain, but it was kind of like our roles were reversed for that moment. I asked, in my email, if that was okay but she ignored that too. I will have to bring it up in my next session.

I feel like shaking her and asking "who are you?" I do know a lot about her and her family, but mostly from when I looked them up online and in Facebook. I haven't done that for months, or maybe even a year now. How can I feel like I've known her my whole life, yet still feel like we're strangers? Why should she see my painting, anyway? Is it because I pay her $100 each week? I know she will say it's because she cares, and my art has been a big part of our work and my growth. I want her to see it (she's seen photos of it many times while I was working on it) hanging up, but that makes me ashamed of still needing her.

I told her no one else cares as much as she does. Duh! I'm paying her to care. But it's true. I was going through a hard time, and still am, and my friends are all busy with their lives. Everyone seems to be going through stuff now. So I turn to T. Of course she wants me to comfort myself.

I'm past thinking that "T is the one" like I used to. I'm past being angry with her for her "shattering my dreams." That's not her role. What I can't get past is going to see her, feeling like I'm putting on a comfortable old shoe, but at the same time wondering what the relationship is all about. It makes me so sad. I guess this is another attachment therapy frustration. T means everything to me but the bottom line is I mean only 'something' to her. I find this situation sad and there's no solution. T keeps telling me I can cope with my life, I don't have to be negative, and I can comfort myself. Sometimes I hate her for her Pollyanna-ish attitude.

So, this was my turn to vent here. I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach about my life. I should have told T that. She would have gotten into SM mode. I can't take antidepressants. I wish I could.