So, my mind is keeping me ill, my heart is breaking because of it, so it's my instinct that is actually keeping me alive then!

Huh... stupid instincts... (joking, sort of).

There is one more peculiar thing about how I experience my illness.

When my mind is quiet, and my heart, calm, I am usually physically ill in some way. Like stomach spasms, or headaches or general aches and pains. Nothing too serious, really, but generally enough to annoy.

Does anyone else experience their illness like this?

If something/someone is getting me upset, then I sometimes have all three happening in tandem, but that is not unusual, especially if it hits me fast.

I am sure this is not unusual to have pain move from mental to emotional to physical, but I do notice that there never really is an escape of any sort. I will feel my illness regardless. (Well, of course, it's not like my brain is going to magically grow new neural networks to change how I feel just because I want it).

I understand what you are saying, Perna, and I agree. I see it in myself at times...ok, maybe a little more than "at times." (Not going to admit to more than that - it's just too embarassing to ) There is no denying there is a certain comfort that can be found within one's illness.

In my case, I think it has to do with not allowing myself to get too happy or content, because it is so extremely disappointing to lose that feeling. Since I also suffer from histrionic tendencies, the pain is that much more acute. And dangerous, too, because of the ritualistic behaviours that will follow.

So, I guess it's settled then... I am completely crazy!!!