Some time after my dear kitty passed away, I adopted (now a week ago) a 6 year old kitty from the spca. He's affectionate, doesn't scratch or bite, likes to play with his toys, use the scratching post and nap in the little house I got for him. He loves snuggles. He's a love bug.

In this last week I have grown very very attached to him and already love him dearly. He has helped enormously with my mourning.

But yesterday I took him to the vet for a wellness check only to find that he has a very serious heart condition. I'm getting an echo on Tuesday just to find out the prognosis. How long he's expected to live.

Already, sadness has morphed into anxiety. I'm so anxious I'm jumping out of my skin. I'm, each moment, on the verge of a panic attack.

I'm supposed to go to my brother's (45 minutes away) to watch my nephews' soccer games. I must go. I missed them last weekend. I promised.

But there's nothing more that I want than to stay home. Just when I think of that drive I advance further into panic-attack-land. When I think of being around strangers (parents of other kids), the same thing. I can't do this. I must. I need this anxiety to go away. I need to find some calm. I feel myself, too, falling into a depression, again. I'm crying for both kitties now. Can't take it. Falling into depression. I can't take this anxiety. Can't take more illness and death in my life careening towards unbearable depression and anxiety.