Ruby, you are still trying to justify bad behavior. You are convincing yourself that you can't control it because the feelings are just too strong. The main thing that ruins a person's life is believing something that isn't true. You are not helpless to change your behavior.

Yes, it would be way easier to change your behavior if you didn't have "strong feelings." You want it to be easy.

Trying to figure out how and why you got this way is you distracting yourself from solving the problem. If you wait till you understand everything perfectly, you will never change. Stop delaying.