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Originally Posted by ruh roh
There's a serious disconnect with my therapist over the topic of asexuality. She shrugs off my feelings of alienation from pretty much all of society's social/cultural exchanges and says I understand that's how you feel. That kind of response is so invalidating, it always leaves me stuck and hopeless that there is anyone to talk to about this.
She tries to normalize asexuality (and also gender issues) by saying things like, it's very common. Or she'll say most people have fluid sexuality and it's not so cut and dry.
All of this ignores the distress I feel about not fitting in socially because no matter how many times I try to tell her that our society is focused on partnering, she says she knows that's how I feel. And then she says if I need to fit in somewhere, what's wrong with the lesbian label? And I'm like...but that's not me. I have zero attraction to women. Just because my body is female does not make me a lesbian. I can't relate to them anymore than hetero women.
So I've looked online for other therapists and the thought of switching feels traumatic. Also, they all look/sound insipid and make me appreciate my therapist. I just can't go through another search, not when there is more right than not right with the therapist I see. I just don't know how to make her understand.
She knows a lot about sexuals--hetero, homo, bi, pan--but nothing about the distress of being none of those in a primarily sexual world. I looked online and found an ace group a couple cities over--too far to participate in--and they have indicated that very few therapists understand issues of asexuality. My therapist has shown leanings toward a belief that this is caused by childhood abuse in my case, so she views it as asexuality is a place to land for now.
Basically, I just don't feel like she is at all understanding me on this and I just want to scream. Or quit. Or both. But then I would have no support at all.
I guess I'm not looking for advice so much as I want to vent.
For anyone wanting to suggest talking to her about this, I have. Many many times. She sees it as me being upset whenever she has a different view. I just want for someone to understand.
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rr -- yeah, I'd be reluctant to give up your therapist too.
It wasn't super clear from your post but is she at all suggesting -- subtly or otherwise -- that you need to get going on dropping the 'a' from asexual (within or outside a relationship)?
Coz I'd be seriously pissed if that were the case.
I totally get being cheesed off with the whole ridiculous ultra-normalizing thing that therapists do -- I have (and I'm not proud of this) pushed current T to tell me how exactly she doesn't fit the norm in any way whatsoever when she's tried this crap on me.
However, I do think that to some extent, therapists are kind of in a bind about this sort of stuff?
Like if she doesn't try to normalize and says "Yep, that's freak-ish and you need to get with the program and find a nice woman and produce 2.32 children and buy a Lesbaru and a house with a picket fence", it ain't gonna work either, right?
I mean, of course, I'm exaggerating but any attempt at saying that something needs to be changed about you is likely to eventually head in that direction?
So, the only thing I could think of which it might be helpful if she were to do would be to explore how and what exactly the feelings of not-fitting-in involve? It starts off with just labels, yes, but it's kinda boring to stick around right there at the surface? And, saying it's abuse is a bit lazy? There are lots of folks who've been abused who aren't asexual? And, vice versa?
So, in your place, I'd want to push the conversation to a much deeper level. And, I'm guessing your therapist would be a lot more at home in that realm than if you were to just talk about the sexuality spectrum?
Btw, can I just say that I totally agree with you that we live in a primarily sexual world and everything revolves around the concept of pair-bonding and it gets my goat like little else?
But, I'll also say that more people than would like to admit are desperately lonely and have little by way of joy even within those much-vaunted, hyper-sexualized pair bonds (I've kinda seen too much of the ugly innards of many of the super-popular much-in-love very-adorable couples [straight and gay] to be anything but rather cynical about it all).
Not sure if this helps and I honestly don't mean to pontificate at you -- so, if that's how it came across, feel free to chuck it!