Ah, I get it.

For what it's worth, I think your instinct is right -- there are few, if any, therapists who can help really sort out stuff like this. It's way too intertwined and complex.

I don't mean to add to your feelings of loneliness but I would consider seriously looking outside of therapy as well to deal with this stuff -- maybe therapy can help find those places (I know, I know, the thought of that makes the prospect of head-->brick-wall rather enticing)?

It's just that I fear you'll always find that your therapist comes up short in this area otherwise.

I've seen some gay male friends deal with similar stuff after having been abused by men growing up -- and yeah, it's not been remotely easy or straightforward.