This is possibly going to be rambling, so, apologies for this....firstly, I'm so glad I found this forum. Once again, I'd really like to ask for help/insight, please.

For 20+ years, I have been on and off anti-depressants (more on than off) thing is though, apart from my Docs....nobody in my life reckons I'm depressed. It sounds dumb, I know, but (after speaking to and knowing lots of people with 'real' m/h problems) I'm now of the opinion I suffer with social anxiety, OCD n possibly depression (speaking with various professionals over the years) but I'm unable to identify how I think/feel some of the time. I don't expect that makes sense though. I just can't. So, after a long time of wondering if I'm depressed, no, I now concede I'm unhappy, rather than ill...I've no idea why I'm unhappy (as I've a good life) I do have friends n am with someone, life is good. Idk....

My problems are definitely emotional....I have mood swings, I don't sleep very well (another story) and, although logically, I know I'm in control, I don't know how to go about "fixing things" so I'll be ok n STAY good. Although I'm in touch with my family, things are strained. I also have neurological conditions, which I guess have an impact of my thoughts/feelings n behaviours, again though, I don't have any real understanding of how/why, nor how to reconcile these, in order to make life easier/more enjoyable for me n indeed others who are in my world.

Not too sure of what I'm trying to say....nor what I'd like others to say, unless there's someone who can (honestly) tell me, Oh, hey, it's ok, I understand because I've experienced this, and here is what you can do to go about getting yourself straight. I think I need to speak to someone, but it's not doable just now, but, I know I can't go on like I am. I've hurt lots of people, I'm hurting myself (not physically) and more n more, I think about simply disappearing. Not as in death, just vanishing