So I'm home honey LOL!

Talked about something completely different. I guess my main problem is my adoption, the way it was told to me, the fact that I was robbed of the ablity of being able to to have a birth mum I could think fuzzy warm thoughts about.

I told T that there's still a part of me looking for her, I tried to find her by naming my son the same name my birth mother gave to my birth brother when I found his birth cert.

T said that I actually was creative in raising my children as to be a good enought mother, one has to have a sense of having had a good enought mother and I didn't, but in trying to find my birth mother, I created her through me in the way I wished I had been loved by her and raised by her.

T then said have you ever heard a birth mothers story? I replied yes and I ain't interested in their story they still did it. Then I said ok when I had my son 20yrs ago I was gonna get rid of him, but I didn't. T asked why not? I said because I couldnt have done it, couldn't have lived with myself. THEN it kinda of clicked, T said, so it would have affected you? I realised then that it would have affected my birth mother abandoning her 3 kids, and they sort of opened a new door within me, made me feel at least that I must have a mattered on some le vel to my birth mother.

I think this being told in a harsh way of my adoption, of all the bad about her, whether completely true or not has been internalised by me in the compartment within ourselfs where we should hold our mothers love. I see now its up to me to find the forgiveness for what my birth mother did in her life to have any chance of feeling whole and worthwhile, that why I hold only memorys of her act and crueltiys I will feel that way inside.