To get a diagnosis of a PD you have to have both a genetic predisposition and a history of chronic child abuse. There are separate diagnostic criteria for having a personality disorder, that all people with PD's share, and then also specific criteria for the specific PD, so it's actually a double diagnosis.
Having traits means that you have maladaptive coping skills. In other words, you react to certain stimuli in the same way someone with a PD might.
I'm not trying to make this sound like a contest, but it's a matter of degrees - if you have traits, they aren't as extreme or all encompassing as the PD. Which isn't to say they don't deeply affect you. But it also makes it very difficult to self diagnose, because you might have a trait that seems like it completely shuts you down, but it might literally be 4 times worse for someone with a PD. But pain is pain, it's really hard to step outside your pain to analyse it or compare your experience to someone else's when you're in the middle of it.
PD's are also consistent - you react the same way in all incidences. That's why it was suggested that you couldn't have AvPD if you're married. That's ridiculous, there are people with AvPD who are married. I think whoever told you that glossed over their explanation. People with AvPD who are married still feel unworthy compared to their spouses, just like everyone else they come across, and take the blame for every problem in their relationship, even when it's clearly due to their partner's behavior.
Here's the really good news if you have traits - you can learn new coping skills and you can replace the maladaptive ones with more effective skills. If you have a full blown PD there is no cure, there is no way to replace maladaptive coping skills, you just have to learn to accept them and mold your life to your PD.
A really good program to learn new coping skills is DBT. It has a step by step program that teaches you how to be aware of your thought patterns, decide if they're working for you, and help you develop new ones if they're not working for you.
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