As someone who has the same issue as you, which also results in outbursts of tears as well as panic attacks, it is impossible for me to imagine you continue to do it because it benefits you.

For me, I was literally born this way. I have felt intense shame and self hatred.. it exists in my earliest memories. I recall when I was about 4 I hated the sight of my own face in our picture album so much that I was inconsolable until my mother glued cut out faces of models over my own face in the pictures. To this day they are still that way in the album. I remember I was told to be quiet once in kindergarden and I felt so worthless and ashamed of having spoke out of turn that I quietly sat there, tears rolling down my face. Mind you, people got told to be quiet every day in kindergarden. But ME, I should not have messed up.

I am a highly sensitive person. I cry over the smallest bad things that happen, as well as the smallest good things. My sensitivity makes me prone to having an intense reaction to every feeling, such as anger, excitement, joy, fear, shame, etc.

Currently I am trying to learn a different perspective than what came natural to me all this time, which is to love myself.

I personally believe now that I have a generalized expectation of myself to do something great, and be perfect.. Every time I am not perfect in front of someone, I become so terribly embarrassed and ashamed. Because no one can be perfect, I just hate myself and shame myself. I think the day I can truly accept not being perfect is when I can start moving on.

When I stop being afraid of looking stupid, weird, ugly, boring, lame, pathetic in front of people... I can start getting better.

Why am I saying all this? Well.. it's because it is hard to pin down exactly why someone feels shame excessively. I'm not saying that your therapist is dead wrong, but I'm saying not everything a person does and thinks is a response caused to benefit themselves.

For me, my shame and guilt is rooted in intense fear. The cycle is like this for me:

I do X thing, think I could mess up> I mess it up > shame and guilt
I am too afraid to do X because I'll fail or look stupid or embarrassing > Decide not to do X > feel shame or guilt of being weak and afraid
I look fat and ugly in the mirror, fear others will see it too > shame
I say something dumb even though I fear looking incompetant> shame

My cycles are generally rooted in fear of imperfection.


I don't know what yours is rooted in, but if you cannot even begin to fathom how your benefitting from being guilty and ashamed all the time.. Maybe it's because your not. only you can dig deep enough within to find out "why". Who knows, if you dig deep enough maybe you will find that you do it out of benefit, but you could find it is very well rooted in someting besides that. You don't seem to have any idea of a benefit to it.. So it's possible she is mistaken. Just keep trying to talk to her about and tell her anything new you may discover about your feelings.