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Originally Posted by ElectricManatee
I'm sorry you aren't getting what you need. That sounds incredibly painful. For what it's worth, I don't think what you describe sounds unreasonable in terms of needing outside contact. I know exactly what you mean about the pain of getting in touch with feelings that were buried a long time ago for very good reasons. I also struggle with feeling shame for being needy (which is just having normal needs!) and for wanting to manage my emotions on my own but sometimes not being able to. It has been helpful to have my T to fall back on in those moments. Even a tiny bit of accessing our connection is often enough to pull me back from a total meltdown now. One thing that has been helpful about her allowing outside contact without any particular rules about frequency is that it lets me "see" the full extent of my need, and it's often smaller and more manageable than it felt like when it was all bottled up inside.
So what I'm saying is that I think what you describe seems reasonable (pretty moderate, actually), and there are therapists out there who will do it. I'm just sorry that you keep bumping up against your T's limits in a way that feels traumatizing. My T has said that if I need more than she feels like she can give me, we would consider a higher level of care (like intensive outpatient). She would never tell me to just stop needing things when she knows I try my hardest to self-regulate and to get support from other people too.
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Hi ElectricManatee,
I'm glad your t offers you the option of outside contact. It makes sense that it might help by letting you observe your needs. I believe that when my t has allowed me to have outside contact, I have actually felt less needy and often didn't need it. Just knowing I could have it if I needed it gave me relief! And for awhile, it worked. But then my t would drop the ball. Each time that happened, my feeling of trust and security in the relationship would break down. Perhaps I should be able to look at the times my t has been responsive versus nonresponsive, and realize that she has been there for me more often than she has failed to be. But even occasional failures in availability in a time I need her is enough to disrupt everything.
The intolerable part is how I feel when I've bitten the bullet to ask for what I need (hate to ask!)...only to be overlooked or offered a 1 or 2 line catch phrase that doesn't actually provide what I need. Instead, it makes me feel that either that my suffering/needs are not important to my t, or that she didn't deem them valid enough to give more than a 30-second glance and response.
It's the exact same way I experienced my relationship with my parents, especially my mom. Extremely limited emotional support. In fact, I can remember as a 4th grader being sternly scolded for calling my mom too much at work. My parents would threaten to spank me if I called her more than once per day. My t knows this. Yet that is how I feel in my relationship with my t as well.
I do think that I need a higher level of care; unfortunately, my husband is disabled and I work full-time as the breadwinner in the family. We don't really have the money to pay for much extra therapy.