Quote:
Originally Posted by peaches100
Hi ElectricManatee,
I'm glad your t offers you the option of outside contact. It makes sense that it might help by letting you observe your needs. I believe that when my t has allowed me to have outside contact, I have actually felt less needy and often didn't need it. Just knowing I could have it if I needed it gave me relief! And for awhile, it worked. But then my t would drop the ball. Each time that happened, my feeling of trust and security in the relationship would break down. Perhaps I should be able to look at the times my t has been responsive versus nonresponsive, and realize that she has been there for me more often than she has failed to be. But even occasional failures in availability in a time I need her is enough to disrupt everything.
The intolerable part is how I feel when I've bitten the bullet to ask for what I need (hate to ask!)...only to be overlooked or offered a 1 or 2 line catch phrase that doesn't actually provide what I need. Instead, it makes me feel that either that my suffering/needs are not important to my t, or that she didn't deem them valid enough to give more than a 30-second glance and response.
It's the exact same way I experienced my relationship with my parents, especially my mom. Extremely limited emotional support. In fact, I can remember as a 4th grader being sternly scolded for calling my mom too much at work. My parents would threaten to spank me if I called her more than once per day. My t knows this. Yet that is how I feel in my relationship with my t as well.
I do think that I need a higher level of care; unfortunately, my husband is disabled and I work full-time as the breadwinner in the family. We don't really have the money to pay for much extra therapy.
|
It gives me pause that your therapist just got training in attachment issues within the last year or so. I think you are wise to be very cautious if she doesn't have a LOT of training and experience in this area. It's tricky work, and even small moments of misattunement can kick off a total shitstorm, which she would then need to be level-headed enough to help you through. Your T would need to be very clear to herself about what she can and can't offer to you, and to hold to that consistently, and to be very committed to this kind of work. You can't just stroll in and start doing it one day without being pretty solid and stable within yourself and also without getting adequate supervision.
I think my T doesn't like email for therapeutic issues either, which is why most of my outside contact is via phone calls. There have been a few times when I have emailed her to ask for a specific type of reassurance and she has gladly provided it, but for the most part, I want/need to hear her voice and have that back-and-forth interaction.
I do want to say that my T doesn't advertise herself as doing attachment-based therapy. In fact, I don't know if she would identify with that label at all. But her approach focuses a lot on the therapeutic relationship and taking a development-based view of psychology, and that was the environment that drew out these needs and feelings for me. The outside contact piece also developed organically as we got to know each other. So it might be more possible than you think to find a therapist who can help you with this, but it might take asking for some referrals from people who know the providers in your area. I think toomanycats took that approach.
Regardless of how things look going forward, I really hope you can get what you need, whether that's by going into the deeper, younger feelings or by figuring out how to pack them away again so that they don't interfere with your enjoyment of your day-to-day life.
