I've recently identified the part of me I've called my inner critic as no more than a confused kid who did what she had to in order to survive - that is, seemingly accepting mom's word as gospel although I didn't really, in my heart - but my mom couldn't handle being challenged, so I had to appear to go along with her madness..

I've been repeating all the self-defeating filth she spewed at me, really, because she can't love herself and thus no one else. It wasn't about me although I was the one who had to bear the brunt of it - she would have been the same with anyone.

Now this 'inner critic' does NOT want to hurt me anymore - never did, but instead did her best to keep me SAFE. I THANK HER for that

Now she wants to learn to do better, to love me! I did a mental exercise where I shut the door on my mom and have been focused on internalizing that whatever she does behind it is her business - what's on my side is mine, and this is a different world where I'll let go of and learn my way out of all the nastiness! Because I want to feel good. Since in reality, my mom's still in my life, I've also been thinking I can't stop her from saying or doing anything, but I don't have to believe it. I don't need her that desperately anymore, and if she can't handle me having my own differing views, that's her problem. If she gets violent, I'll walk away.

I was also thinking what loving myself actually means, and realized it's as simple as asking what I need and then doing my best to meet those needs - not try to talk them away or ignoring myself. That's something my parents did because they were out of their depth - I can and want to learn how to meet my needs if I don't already know.