My hat's off to you for honestly expressing your very real feelings. What you describe is what I think is one of the worst kind of emotional pain human beings can experience. I know first hand what that feels like. In my case, neither of my parents were into hugging their kids. So at times it felt like there was no warmth in my life.

When I used to analyze how this happens to a person, like you, I would think that I wasn't such a bad person. I thought of something else that you might like to consider: Hitler had a circle of friends and a real nice girlfriend. So did a lot murderous gansters. Charles Manson was idolized by a circle of followers. I was always interested in biographies of all kinds of people - good and bad. When you come to realize how many really crummy people have enjoyed lots of social success, you have to conclude that social success is not an accurate reflection of a person's worth. Now and then, I watch those crime shows that depict how some popular person with a nice spouse goes and murders the spouse for insurance money. Scott Peterson probably had a good social life right up to when he murdered his pregnant wife. Plus he was so desirable that he was having affairs with other women during his marriage. It seems that social success is a product of having certain specific skills that have just about nothing whatsoever to do with being a good, trustworthy person. Give that some thought.

How you get those skills is the big question. What I did was to push myself into lots of situations I didn't feel real at ease with. If you are a freshman or a sophomore, is there any chance you could go to a different college where you live on campus for junior and senior year? I know that, these days, that gets expensive.

I think going for the message is an excellent idea. I found a good friend by taking my dog to a nice park. I met other people doing the same. One became a close friend.

It's not easy. I did some crazy things out of loneliness: went out drinking a lot and hanging with just about anyone who'ld have me. I'm lucky nothing real bad ever happened to me. But it was all a way of learning about the world and the people in it.

Don't give up trying lots of things.