I don't know what I am currently experiencing but i might as well go all out.

I am a 19 year old male who has suffered from severe anxiety for most of my life. When i was young, i wasn't the manliest kid. I didn't play sports, or at least i wasn't good at the ones i tried, and pretty much just played with stuffed animals and toys until i was 8 or so, though eventually I did pick up basketball. I had friends of both sexes, but nearing 4th grade, i became friends with pretty much only guys, with few friends that were girls. Before puberty hit, i liked girls and i was curious about naked girls, vaginas, etc and had plenty of crushes. When puberty hit, sexual attraction came, but not in a normal way. I became very attracted to girls butts. It was the primary source of my attraction. Big breasts are good, but breasts overall never stood out to me, and vaginas don't do it for me at all. However, i loved girls butts and got erections just thinking about them all throughout middle and high school. I also developed a few strange fetishes for girls, both of which still turn me on to this day. I never had a girlfriend in high school or middle school however. I honestly don't know why, looking back maybe i was scared or embarrassed by my fetishes but i genuinely don't know. One thing that bothered me was that the few girls that i kissed i felt no spark or sexual arousal. It was just, a kiss. Boring almost. Summer before college i began smoking pot quite a bit. Because of my anxiety, my highs were either good or bad. One particular bad high i was thinking about my sexual failures and one thing that bothered me was that the few (i think only 2) girls that i kissed i felt no spark or sexual arousal. They were almost boring. After thinking more about it, i checked out some gay porn, and to my surprise i felt a tingling sensation down south. It was not the same as when i watch my regular porn, but i felt something. I then attempted to masturbate to it, which to my dismay i got an erection (or somewhat of an erection.) This scared the crap out of me. I immediately began to piece everything together: maybe i'm gay. It was obvious, I never had a serious girlfriend, i have often felt inferior to other men, i liked some songs/genres of music, shows etc. However most importantly was that breasts, vaginas and regular straight porn did not arouse me much at all. I soon found out that these thoughts would not leave my head ever. My freshmen year in college slowly but surely got consumed by these thoughts. I hooked up with girls but couldn't enjoy any of them and to this day i have not enjoyed kissing a girl, and it is the furthest i've gone. However my love for butts has never gone away and i masturbate almost daily to girls (involving either butts or my fetishes). At first these gay thoughts weren't horrible, and i could focus on my daily life. Fast forward almost a year and these thoughts torture me every day. Now, basically everything i think of involves me being gay. I focus on the way i walk, my voice, the way i look, and the way i act, all of which must mean i am gay and am denying my true self. I check out guys daily, although i never used to do that. From what i recall, i did definitely notice if a guy was sexually attractive, yet they never actually turned me on sexually. I admired these men and even felt a bit intimidated and less masculine, but i never had the urge to masturbate to them. Oh how times have changed. Guys i never felt sexually attracted to before i find myself attempting to masturbate to. Actors, athletes, and celebrities that i used to feel neutral about are now giving me the urge to masturbate to them, although i can never get off. I have attempted getting off to gay porn way too many times but have never been successful. However i am more than able to get an erection from it. These erections are misleading though because they only happen when i touch my groin in some way; if i am just sitting and not touching my groin i cannot possibly get hard to guys. This is NOT the case with girls and my fetishes, where it feels natural and not forced at all. However i get these sensations in my groin all the time. Perhaps the worst thing of all is the way i act around attractive guys now. I feel like a nervous wreck around them. I am far more nervous, less like myself, and can't be around them without having extreme doubts about my sexuality. I have always been an insecure person with somewhat of an inferiority complex, so i try to attribute it to that but i just don't think its that. I cannot be friends with these guys because being around them only makes my thoughts worse. I try masturbating to these guys but aside from a semi erection i cannot get off and it feels unnatural. A fear that i have though is that kissing a guy will blow me off my feet, and be everything i wished kissing a girl would be like. All of these thoughts have led me to believe that i secretly have crushes on these guys, which at this point i am just accepting.

In a short summary, circumstances in my life have made me question myself in a way i never thought i would have to. I am a completely different person, in a worse way. After basically a lifetime of liking girls and getting aroused by them and having romantic dreams and being infatuated by them, i now find myself trying to masturbate to guys and picturing my life with them. This has changed my life drastically and i no longer enjoy my life, only when i am drunk really, which is unfortunate to me. I fear that i will never truly be happy. I have thought about coming out but even life after that seems alien to me. The worst part of all is that i have read that these are all common symptoms of denial. Gay thoughts, urges to masturbate to men, and nervousness around cute guys are all common for a repressed homosexual. Also, the though of being gay feeling wrong and alien to who i am is also a symptom. I don't know if being with a guy would be awful , and sometimes it seems like it's the inevitable path for me. However i am losing sense of myself and who i am. I can't take this anymore. I need help.