Quote:
Originally Posted by satsuma
I think the contact you have set out above is very reasonable. Totally agree with you that you can't just cram feelings back into a Pandora's box, once that box is open.
I think I am more "demanding" in the sense that I ask for more contact with my T. During a few crisis times we've had phone calls every day (just about 5 mins each time). During difficult times but not crisis, quite a few texts in a week. Average times maybe one text in a week or one every two weeks (that's with meeting now once every two weeks as well). Have had some times with no contact for 2 weeks.
I really think I get the hurt and frustration you are talking about - the things we allow T to hear/see/know are so enormous and so huge in our lives, but then for T it's a 50 minute slot, part of their job, one of many... I am really struggling with this at the moment.
I go between struggling, feeling very emotional, sometimes self destructive for all these reasons, and being able to see the huge progress I've made in my life, all the things that are so much better than before, and the fact that I do often (but not right now) experience the feeling of calm and stability that goes with the secure attachment.
The awful feelings are so awful aren't they? For me when I'm in them it's hard to remember that I ever felt differently. I get so frustrated and I think that my T must be bored/frustrated with me too, because he is just hearing the same old same old from me. But T says he finds it easier to "zoom out" and see the overall progress. Kind of like a looping pattern that is going down and up but the overall trend is upwards.
|
Hi Satsuma,
I'm glad your t allows the contact you need between sessions. If my t was OK with me having that same level of contact, it would work really well for me. But I'm finally at that point where I'm just not going to ask anymore, or let her lead me into thinking it's OK to contact her midweek if I need to, because there are just too many times it creates problems. She says I misread or misinterpret her meaning at times (which is true), and I say that she provides far too little to meet my needs (also true).
There are only so many times that people can cycle through the same situation and pain of unmet needs before the one with the pain/needs has to take a stand and say "Hey, this is NOT working. Reaching out for help like this, and not getting it, hurts far more than going without."
My t and I have talked quite often over the years about recognizing one's needs and getting needs met. My stand from the beginning of therapy was that the pain of reaching out and not getting needs met was worse than asking and not receiving. My t 's stand was that it is beneficial to recognize one's needs as legitimate and ask for those needs to be met, even if sometimes the answer was No.
Granted, we can't always have what we want, or even what we need at times. Asking for something from someone else in life doesn't guarantee we'll get a Yes. BUT...and here's what sticks in my craw...to reach out and ask for support at a CRITICAL moment from someone who has convinced you they will support you, and to get a NO at THAT time...there's where the damage occurs. I don't expect my t to be there 24/7 (although she has asked me that more than once!). I DO expect her to be there WHEN I TRULY NEED HER.
To me, the frequently of support my t offers, or the amount of support she offers, is NOT the sticking point. It's the TIMING of that support and WHO gets to determine if that need for support is VALID or not.
I know when I need support. If I reach out for it, it's because I've already weighed the situation, tried to talk myself out of needing the help, used coping skills, but realize it is still necessary to have some contact with my t to help ground me. Therefore, if my t decides she doesn't think my need is immediate or that I should be able to use my coping skills to soothe myself at that moment, and she decides either not to respond or to barely respond, I'm going to really resent it...especially if she has encouraged me to reach out when I need it.
Who gets to decide if my need for her support is valid? Me or her? My t spent a long time, early in my therapy, trying to convince me that my needs were valid and not wrong. At the time, I didn't feel worthy of having my needs met. I was too afraid to ask. I didn't think I deserved it. It took a long time to get me to the point where I could identify my needs and reach out to get them met without feeling intense shame. I can do that now, and perhaps that, in itself, is forward movement. It is. I can recognize that.
But what good does it do if my t worked so hard for so long to convince me that my needs are valid, and helped me build up the courage to risk asking for what I need when I need it, if she is then not going to follow through and provide it?
What good does it do if I, having already determined that my need is valid and necessary, ask for my t's support, only to have HER determine (based on her own clinical judgement) that it is not a true need (but perhaps a want), so she decides it would be best for me if she not respond, or do so very sparingly?
Doesn't that invalidate my needs? Doesn't it teach me that I can't trust my own perceptions? That I need somebody else to evaluate my thoughts, perceptions, and needs and then tell me if they are valid, acceptable, worthy of a response?
I find that very confusing, because again, that's what I experienced in my relationship with my parents. (I can't trust myself to know if what I feel is OK, if what I think is right, etc.)
I don't want anybody to misunderstand my t. She truly is VERY caring. I know for an absolute fact that she DOES NOT want to reinforce the invalidation and damaging messages my parents gave me as a child. But doesn't this situation my t and I are in right now do that very thing? Why doesn't she see it?
