I get the feeling that maybe you feel like you aren't being heard here, and I just want to say that I absolutely think your viewpoint is valid and reasonable. One thing that has been helpful for me in recognizing that some of my needs weren't met in childhood is coming to a fairly nuanced understanding that my parents are/were not bad people either. They have/had flaws and their own emotional damage, and my personality and temperament was just a particularly bad fit to theirs. It's okay to blame them (because they should have done more to heal themselves and to take better care of me), but it's also okay to recognize that they just couldn't be who I needed them to be. It sounds like you're in a similarly heartbreaking situation with your T, and that's really unfortunate. It doesn't mean you're bad for needing her or that she's bad for not being able to give you what you need.

The thing about you knowing when you need something seems so key. Sometimes I think about babies and how easily they do that. Nobody tells a baby when to cry and when to be happily hanging out. They know when they need something, and they set out to get it in a pretty clear (and loud!) way. Sometimes I wish we could all be so in tune with our feelings and physiological needs but with adult ways of meeting them. And I wish your T was there to pick you up and soothe you without making you feel like you had to convince her that your need for soothing was real and pressing.