(Commenting on something you said a few posts ago.) It sounds like it isn't about your therapist not being available outside of session; it's more about when she does respond, she's not responding the way you would like her to.

I think your husband (and you) may be right that your therapist is trying to find a balance here.

To take your toddler/child/parent analogy a bit further: Good, nurturing parents know they have to strike a balance with their children. Yes, we have to be responsive to their needs, but we have to use discretion about what is really a "need" and what is really a "want." If we respond as if everything is a "need," we can leave our children unable to learn to figure out things on their own. It's okay if kids stumble along the way, get upset along the way, even fail along the way -- there is real learning in that process. We also recognize when they truly need our assistance and support because they either truly cannot figure it out for themselves or the danger to them is apparent. As parents, we want to rescue our kids and keep them safe from stress and failure and harm and problems, but the reality is that if we repeatedly do that "for" them, they are not acquiring that ability for themselves and we handicap them for life. The opposite is also true: if we are not there to assist our children when they truly need it and we put them in harms way, they can also be left permanently damaged by our neglect.

As someone who dealt with rather severe dissociation, I understand those times when those adult skills break down and it feels as if I am that small child unable to deal with what is happening; however, one thing that helped me grow beyond that state was having therapists who didn't treat me as a child even when I felt like a child. They helped me learn how to move out of that dissociative state and tap into my adult skills, even when my stubborn, scared child didn't want to (and I could be a very frightened and extremely stubborn child).

Do kids like it when they are told "no" and the adult figures in their life push them to find their way through what they see as a huge crisis? Of course not. They want someone to rescue them and fix their problem and make it better. But sometimes life is uncomfortable -- adulting is hard and scary at times -- but we ARE adults and we have to sometimes be pushed a bit to remind ourselves that we actually can get through that crisis.

The other thing that struck me is that you see this as an either/or proposition. Either you must do it all yourself as that independent woman, OR you can't do it at all because you are a small child. That's the other balance I suspect your therapist is hoping you can find -- independent adults know how to discern those times when they need additional support, know how to access that support, and realize support doesn't mean they're helpless and giving everything over to someone else to solve; they are just utilizing additional assistance ALONG WITH their own skills and abilities to get through.