Quote:
Originally Posted by SapphireRed
I found letters once my grandfather died in his study. I kept them to myself and disposed of them once I read them. One was from an Uncle and he said that my father must be disappointed that my mum had a girl.
I can see that being true. My dad would always recount tv programmes he saw. Going on about how women can't go on he front line or on submarines or be a marine etc. Me I was like so what? I don't want to look like swarzaneggar. I wanted to use my brain. I was always going to do something creative. Even know if there's a fight scene in a film my brain wanders and I miss what's going on.
I didn't think much to it, just thought he was still angry with my mum. And later I learnt his own mum. He joined the Army at 15 placing the blame on "her". Who is her, the cats mother?
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Because of his antics I grew up with a hyper vigilance, always questioning what was feminine and what was masculine? I had to be tomboy because I had to look after myself because my mum and dad didn't give a frig. All they cared about was how others perceived them and they both lied through their teeth. My mum made out like she gave me the world on a silver platter, where it was the complete opposite. I did chores and received nothing in return. I felt like I was just a mistake.
Because If my dad had stayed in the army like he wanted he never would have met my mum. And my mums treatment of me and my brother was more than just favouritism. I was acutely aware that boys and men would always have more freedom seeing that they can walk away from a pregnant girl or woman. My mum was always like what's good enough for me is more than good enough for you and would urge me to move off the pavement for other people like we were below them. It was so confusing.
She lied to the council about having depression so we could get a bigger house. They saw right through it and it bounced. So I ended up in the psych ward, so she did everything in her power to make everyone think I had always had "something wrong with me" and I hadn't had been given a messed up and shi&*y childhood.