I've attempted over 14 times throughout my life, only 3 before I met my ex, and all 3 of those were in the last half of my senior year of highschool. I was hospitalized at time, but not because of an attempt, because I never anyone. The hospital released me with no diagnosis and no treatment plan and said that "anything that happened here, you did it yourself." That was in reference to my mood changes. Apparently they did not know bipolar over the month that I was there. I was mixed mood into severe depression and then hitting manic, which would explain my cheerfulness.
My ex pushed buttons several times until I thought it was my only choice. Two had nothing to do with her during that relationship. But 9 times she really shoved me over the edge.
Last Christmas was still the best Christmas I've ever had. I was not in a place I could give or receive gifts. I didn't have to worry about money or anything. It was what it should be, showing caring for others. I'll never forget feeling like I mattered and knowing that even though I have a long way to go, I can find happiness someday.
Even in my lowest this year, I'm still a long way better than I've been in over 3 decades