I used to have nightmares of T literally taking a rattan switch to hit me. And in sessions sometimes I half expect she'll get mad and raise her voice or shout.

For me a lot of it is "See, I'm bad. So bad you can't help but hurt me. Because of how bad I am." Probably because growing up and up until several years ago, I could indeed get beaten or slapped repeatedly if I did indeed piss the parents off.

So I'm still amazed T tolerates me sounding angry or even raising my voice or even hitting the table. That she tolerates me ranting in furious texts to her etc.