Doing fairly brief writeup of MC session from Monday, so that my recap of today's session with T2 will make more sense.

MC Monday:
Some small talk. Then MC said to me, "You seem anxious." I said I wanted to talk more about the stuff from last week, where I'd felt judged for taking D to bar/restaurants and taprooms. We'd addressed it some over e-mail, but I hadn't felt satisfied by his answers. I told him in session that what I was really looking for was just for an apology, something like, "I'm sorry if you felt judged; that wasn't my intention."

But he spouted off this whole therapist-y thing about how no one is responsible for anyone else's feelings. So he's not responsible for how I feel in response to what he says; that's on me.

He shared a story (of course!) about how his partner at the practice's wife used to be office manager there. And MC got really angry at her at one point, and I think wanted an apology, and his partner was like, "Your feelings are on you, not her." To which I was like, "Didn't you find that to be invalidating?" And he agreed! But said his partner was still right.

He said how it is part of his role to question things that H and I do. I said part of what bothered me was that he felt the need to ask H and I if we were taking D to kid-appropriate places. MC said that he wasn't familiar with the places we were talking about, so he had to ask. I said it was the idea that he thought we lacked the judgment to go to appropriate places...that it felt like he was questioning our parenting. Like if I mentionend we were riding in a car with D and he was like, "Did you have her in an age-appropriate booster seat? Was she buckled in?"

I'm not really sure he understood what I was getting at. He said he thought we were good parents, that all parents make mistakes. But I said how "mistakes" implies he thinks we're doing something wrong...He said how all parents do things differently, how maybe it wasn't a choice he'd make, but it was OK if we did. Which still felt like JUDGMENT.

I still felt angry at him as he was saying all this, and I feel like my body language reflected this, plus I wasn't smiling or laughing at little jokes he made throughout, which I normally would be. But at the same time tears were streaming out of my eyes--not tears of anger, either, I don't think. It's hard for me to be angry with him, especially in person, with all the transference and attachment stuff.

I mentioned that feeling judged was especially difficult for me because of the paternal transference. He agreed. And also threw in some stuff about my mom and her judging me, how I'm not responsible for her feelings...how he wishes I could realize that I'm not responsible for the feelings of any authority figure.

He did "take ownership" of the fact that he may have been defensive in the e-mail (which I'd also called him on). And I think one other thing. But no apologies, no "I may have made a mistake" or anything like that...

I think there was something about the way he was talking to me, like voice, body language...I think he was trying to do the "hug across the room" thing... And he tossed in a comment about how I'm a good mother and a good person and important. From all of that, he kinda got back in, like the anger subsided.

He did say it was good that I hadn't e-mailed him since the exchange last Wed., how I'd sat with the anxiety. I said it was more because I realized the e-mails weren't getting anywhere, so thought I should wait till session. (Though I suppose, as T2 noted today, I could have requested a phone call with him, as I've done in the past, but didn't.) I was like, "It would have been better if I hadn't e-mailed you at all!" H said, "Learn to take a compliment!" And I said, "Yeah, OK, thanks..."

Shifted to talking about some other stuff...I think about D? And then I was talking some about applying to the PhD programs and my anxiety about that. And how my mom seemed rather indifferent when I told her about it. How I was unsure about telling many people because then if I didn't get in, I'd have to tell them all that I didn't. He said how lots of good people get rejected from the programs, so it wouldn't reflect poorly on me if I didn't. And he said a couple supportive things that I don't remember.

He didn't shake hands, because he thought he had allergies, but it could possibly be a cold so didn't want to risk it. I felt better about him and more connected at the end of the session...but that only lasted for a day or so. Now back to being kinda annoyed/upset with him. We'll see him Monday, then he's out the next week, so it works out to skip a week then (want to try spacing sessions out a bit, see how that goes).