T2 today:
We sat down, and he asked if I'd gotten my hair cut because it looked shorter. I said no, that it was just curlier than usual for some reason. Though I'd had a random dream last night that I'd gotten it cut and colored blonde. He said that was interesting. I said it was much better than the dream I'd had last week that was basically a horror movie and gave a brief description. He said he was sorry I'd had that one.

He started by commenting that he hadn't had a chance to talk to MC yet (I'd given him permission last week to get information from MC, but not to provide it). He said he'd reached out to him, but they hadn't found time to talk. I said that was OK, and I appreciated him telling me, because I'd want to know if he'd gotten that info from him (especially because, when I asked MC what type of stuff he'd share, he mentioned potential pitfalls with me). I asked if he could let me know when he did talk to him, and he said he would.

He asked what I wanted to talk about, and I said actually, some stuff from the MC session Monday. I said what he'd said about people not being responsible for other people's feelings and how it had been very "therapist-y," which was annoying. And sorry for stereotyping, it's just when a therapist seems to just use therapy language to hide behind. I explained a bit more what had gone on during session.

He seemed to understand what I was feeling, reflecting some of it back to me, how I'd felt judged. He said it was probably especially difficult because it was about my parenting, and I agreed. I said that was a sort of weak spot for me. He said it is for most, if not all, parents. But probably mothers especially, because it often seems like theyr'e the ones who are expected to have all the responsibility for a kid. And also how they tend to put that burden on themselves. I agreed.

He said that ideally, he'd like me to get to a place where judgment like that wouldn't affect me. Where I could take in someone's comments and evaluate them, determine if I think they're valid. I said I wanted to get to that place too.

I was talking pretty fast during all this (thanks, anxiety!), and he made the comment that he was a bit concerned I was smarter than him, because my mind works so quickly, jumping from thing to thing. I said I didn't really think that it was about intelligence, but more just about how my mind works. And that I knew I was talking fast, but he said that was OK.

He asked how I'd felt after the MC session--did I feel like it was resolved? I said at first, but I'd also gone to a concert that night, so it sort of pushed the feelings back. But then yesterday, I started feeling annoyed/upset with him again.

He brought up the thing about parenting again. Somehow, I think from my end, the topic of D being on the autism spectrum came up. He said he wondered if part of why I reacted so strongly to judgment was that I maybe felt responsible for her condition. I said in some ways, yes, worrying that I did something wrong during pregnancy (like being vegetarian), etc. This veered into a conversation more about D, how she's doing now, how she has some sensory issues, and T2 gave some suggestions on how to deal with them.

I started feeling rather awkward here, with him giving all these suggestions, because T1 had told me, when I let her know I'd be seeing T2, that he had a son on the autism spectrum. (I realized shortly afterward that she shouldn't have told me that, and MC agreed that it was a mistake.) T2 hadn't said anything to me about it, despite it coming up a couple times that D was on the spectrum. I was concerned I was doing something like looking at him pointedly when I mentioned it, like, "Hi, are you going to mention your son?"

Conversation veered elsewhere, to stuff about dealing with anger, how emotionally intelligent people are good with sitting with their emotions (rather than acting impulsively on them), how women tend to be better communicators than me (he said this, not me!)

Then somehow we ended back on my D. I glanced at the clock--it was 15 minutes till I'd have to leave (he generally goes to the hour, though that includes scheduling and payment). I thought for a second, then was like, "OK, I need to tell you something." For some reason, I started crying. Grabbing a tissue, I said, "There's something I know about you, that T1 told me, and I feel weird that I know it but you're not aware of it. It's that you have a kid on the spectrum, too. I know she shouldn't have told me, but she did. And you don't have to say anything about it, I'm just letting you know that I'm aware of it. Because I feel weird not saying anything."

He very calmly thanked me for sharing that. He said he agreed that T1 shouldn't have shared it. I said MC thought it was a mistake, too. But T2 said he also understands why I said something. And that he's not upset about it. (I said he could yell at T1 about it if he wanted, but he said he wouldn't, since it had come up in session.)

We talked some about autism in general, because I was curious as to his viewpoint on it (like causes, what treatment works, etc.). I was trying to be really careful not to ask anything personal. Though at the end, I was like, "OK, can I just ask one really small thing? How old is your son?" He said he was 10 and that his photo was sitting on his desk. I said I figured that was his picture, but didn't know if it was a current one, since MC has pics of his kids when they were pretty young on his desk (they're teens now).

I said I knew we had to stop. He confirmed that the same time next week was good--apparently he's blocked out a slot for me (a nice change from having to schedule different times every week with T1). Then he said he should probably say again how nothing I'd said that week bothered him or made him not want to see me next week. I said I appreciated that, since I'd been worried about sharing the one thing.

I said how what T1 had told me had been on a list of things I'd wanted to talk about with him. He was like, "How long is the list?" I said, "Kinda long, actually, though I keep adding stuff." I should have clarified that it wasn't stuff about him, just topics! I did say I was trying to avoid how it got with T1, where I'd spend most of the session recapping my week and/or the previous MC session. T2 said it can be easy to fall into that with people you know well.

Went to his desk and paid. He said "Good luck out there!" Then after a pause, he held out his hand to me, and I shook it. He glanced at the table by where I'd been sitting and said, "OK, you've got your water this time." Then he said, "Have a good week!" I said, "You, too!" Walked out through waiting room and into hallway and realized I was shaking, I think because I'd been so anxious to tell him I knew what T had told me. Feeling OK about it now (and session as a whole) though.