Hello. I´m new to this site, and i´m not sure i fit in here but here we go. This is very long, but if someone more experienced than me would take a look at this list i made and tell me their outside opinion on if my relationship is healthy or not. I am asking because someone recently told me my partner was abusive, and i guess i just want someone else opinion. I´m an 18 year old girl btw, for your information.

Short background:
We met online in a bdsm forum when we were both 15. We were in an online relationship for almost 2 years,boyfriend and girlfriend most of the time. I broke up with him twice but never committed to it. He visited me in my country when i was 16, and we saw each other girl for the first time. After that things got tumultuous in our relationship. Our families didn´t approve of us, i started self harming again. He broke up with me.
Half a year later we are still together, not as boyfriend and girlfriend but we still talk every week and we want to meet each other again. Our relationship right now is more bdsm-ish.

Reasons/proof he is good

He has a dog
He loves/cares for his family
He calls me sweet things like cute little bunny, etc
He would never hit me or anything like that
If i said no during sex he would stop, i know that
He wants to see me healthy and strong
He has tried to help me many many times
He traveled to my country so we could see each other
He held my hand, he kissed me, he hugged me
He is funny
He is kind
I love him
I adore him
He is beautiful
He is caring
He is intelligent
He is gifted
He is special
He is strong
He is creative
I love him so so so so much

Reasons/proof he is bad

He has all of my passwords, he used to check them every day and if there was something he didn´t approve of (like me watching buzzed videos) he´d get angry He doesn´t check it often anymore.

We are not in a relationship, but he says it is cheating if i am friends with/close with another man it is cheating. When i asked him why he replied ”that i don´t understand things”

He has a manta for me he tells me to repeat over and over. ”i´m small, i´m dumb, i´m hot, and i don´t understand anything”

He likes it when i call him God and tells me my only purpose in life is to worship him

We do long distance bdsm, but we don´t have a safe word and no aftercare, idk i that´s bad or not tho

When i say no to cybersex (i imagine girl too) he replies with ”okay, i understand, but you need to learn to have no privacy if you want to be useful to me. You do want to be useful right bunny?”

When we have cybersex he never shows himself, doesn´t send a single picture even of his face.

When we had sex for the first time we never agreed it would be ”rough” sex. I was 16 and a virgin. He got up in the middle of sex to throw a glass of ice cold water at me, he grabbed my face and slapped it, he choked me, threw me onto the bed and called me a *****. Before he started having sex i was crying violently because i had just tried breaking up with him.

He videotapes my consent, idk if that is bad though
In the past, he has told me over and over that my friends are bad. He has even blocked them from my account. They got tired of it, and now i don´t have friends anymore.

My therapist said he was bad for me and so did my friends

He says i have borderline so that´s why i act crazy and delusional and need him to keep me in check. Even though 3 (3!!) medical professionals have said i do not have borderline??????????

If i cry during cybersex sessions he never asks i i´m okay. He tells me i´m turned on by my own tears…….no

He calls me things like ”**** ***** rag doll ***** slut” during sex which is hot, but i don´t like it when he calls me it outside of sex like ”worship me forever ***** also send Sir a selfie”

He says i should strive to not think any thoughts. He says i´m dumb and that that´s a good thing.

He says i´m crazy and that on the outside i may hate this but on the inside i need and crave it

Tells me that i´m the bad unstable one, that i´m the abuser

Tells me the reason my therapist, friends etc said he was abusive was because i twisted the truth because i´m sick and i love feeling like a victim. I believe him on this one….

Calls other girls *****s etc, did not accept i was a feminist so now i am not anymore and i call girls *****s too

Made me stop taking antidepressants without telling anyone, the withdrawal was horrible, saying the pills were bad and would make me a hairy fat man


Reasons/proof that I am the bad one!!!

Cheated on him TWICE (admittedly, still while we were in an online only relationship and i was 15 and sexted some other men, but it´s still bad!!!!)
I lie a lot
I was and am often jealous of him
In the past i sent a message to his past crush saying ”die you *****”
I told him i would kill myself or become a trainwreck if he left me
When he broke up with me i cut my whole legs up and showed him the cuts
Probably many more things that i cannot realize because i am the abuser???

Help. Give me your non biased opinion, please?