I believe we are being careful to *not* make this about you while talking about the *how* of your or anyone's trying to be helpful to her...and I totally understand the overall stress, strain, frustration and/or whatever else you might feel or experience as a wife and mother surrounded by possibly-autistic people.

Is there a reason you have not tried talking with her about this, and could your husband possibly be any help along the line of that type of conversation?

As an aside: I have just begun reading some historical documents related to the challenges faced by Hans Asperger. He believed there had to be some hope for the "Psychically abnormal child", but being a true advocate (such as I am trying to do here) while also trying to understand his patients and know how to best be helpful (such as you are trying to do there) was no easy task.