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Let's see now... every story has a beginning so that's the logical place to start:

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- When did this begin for you?

Just before the age of 15, almost 30 years ago..

- What sort of "symptoms" were you experiencing on a physical, emotional, mental, spiritual level?

Spiritually disconnected, uncertain what to believe; emotionally exhausted having experienced successive deep loss; mentally I was in a state of despair, experiencing an absence of association and missed chances… feelings of futility and defeat; I’d had two experiences of emotional disturbance expressed in convulsions.

- What else was going on in your life at that time?

Moms’ accident still shaped home life on her side, dad had just disinvited me to his home for all eternity because I wanted to live with mom awhile, id changed from a rural area to a moderate size college town environment, I’d recently joined a different social group, more ‘hip’, and the girl I was in love with just wanted to be friends. Ive identified the tipping point as the moment I was ordered to return living with my dad (who’d just said I had no home there).

- Was there any link between the events in your life and the symptoms you were having/experience you were having?

I was in a downward cycle and I knew it at the time. I reached out but didn’t find what I needed to hold onto and the ‘fall’ occurred. Everything that was happening was related to my symptoms.

- What was it like to go through that experience? Were you scared, sad, elated?

The majority of my time was spent in confusion about what was happening to me. I tried to connect defining words to explain to others how it felt but didn’t have the ability to construct the words correctly. A lot of frustration, fear, anger, hopelessness, anxiety… blankness…

- Were there any spiritual or numinous aspects to your experience?

At first there were few if any spiritual connections… I think I wondered why this had happened and when the answers didn’t appear, I then asked God for a reason. Later, after the second incident of ego collapse, God, archetypes, mandalas, Eastern rituals, shamanism, magic, myth, legend, theatre, time, visions, images, meditions and more all became matters of interest. My grandmother kept some Mayan literature nearby, a book about self-hypnosis, the Power of Positive thinking… I read about Zen and imagined who Jesus was and relived the stories of Buddha in books and movies… I learned about the dark side… none of the information saved me. But I was drawn to it again and again, in 2000 I had epiphany and changed all course. I took a journey with no certain destination. Just following my heart and will and learning to trust guiding spirits I believed I could ‘sense’.

- What was the response of those around you to your experience?

Interest, curiosity, concern, apathy, hesitation, confusion… no one felt a need to slap me into reality, but I kinda wondered about it a bit.

- Were you hospitalized? Medicated?

I was prescribed Zoloft for a period in 2001 and again in 2005. Ive never been hospitalized for mental causes.

- Did you find this helpful/unhelpful? Why?

I believed the meds were helping because some of the confusion lifted, I could laugh again. It didn’t feel genuine 100% but it was closer; my fears diminished; I was enjoying again. I was separated from meds on a few occasions and stopped taking them finally altogether in 2005.

- What labels were applied to your experience, either by yourself or those around you?

Crazy, depressed, alcoholic.

- How did you feel about those words?

I disagree with one label strongly. I accept one. The third boils down to a point of view. I think we are all growing and different descriptions may fit us at different times. I didn’t appreciate having the label I disagreed with firmly attached as it was and all treatment directed at a mis-identified label.

- What happened next? Were you able to quickly return to a state of productivity, e.g., returning to school or work?

I have compromised with my illness to find balance and peace that includes time for a variety of interests. So, no, I don’t work a typical 40 hour week and, have considered that doing so may negatively affect my recovery. I sufficiently provide for myself and important others.

- Was there anything of value in your experience?

Absolutely. Ive learned to feel a completeness about my life and its meanng.

- When did you begin to "recover"?

This one is hard. I began to recover when I was once again capable of effective communication. That’s taken many years.

- What factors were helpful to you at that time?

Having hope. Giving up my own sense of control in matters. Releasing the weight to succeed and letting Spirit guide. Learning to respond to natural instincts. Helpful others who supported synchronistically with my ability to comprehend. Friends, who cared at the right time. Faith, Trust, Hope, Dreams, Desire, Imagination.

- Can you identify any breakthrough points in your recovery?

Transcendentalism has been very helpful.

- Where did your best forms of support come from -- family members? friends? peers? professionals?

All of the above. my struggles involved the same groups. Helpful people appeared at the times i needed them.

- What did you most need at that time? Did you get it?

Friendship. I didn’t feel worthy of friendship.

- What role did medication or therapy play in your recovery?

I self-catharsized. the zoloft seemed to help in some ways, like returning my 'voice' ...

- What would you recommend to other people who are reaching for recovery?

A good guide.

- How do you feel about your experience now? Has it changed you?

Yes, I am definitely changed for the better.

- What have you learned as a result of your experience?

Ive learned that ultimately, I have meaning and value as an individual. Ive learned to assign value to myself and others and to feel the fullness of love. Ive drawn closer to my understanding of God Spirit in my everyday life as a source of joy and learning.