I feel alone in this world and have this obsession of finding someone who's just like me, someone who understands me completely. I feel sad that I have no friends. The thing is, I could just go and make friends if I wanted to. But I dislike most people. I feel like most people can't understand me. I can't "connect" with them. That's why it's so difficult for me to make friends. I've tried going to some places to meet people but I always end up dissapointed when I find out people are not what I expected. I see no point in trying to make friends with those people because we're not compatible.
I daydream about having a friend or boyfriend, just someone, who is almost exactly like me, with the same problems, the same opinions, almost the same past, someone with whom I can have a deep connection, someone who can read my thoughts (I mean this in the sense of being very similar mentally, not actually reading minds), someone with who I can talk about everything. Ok maybe it doesn't have to 100% identical but close. The (almost) perfect person. I also used to fantasy about having a twin sister. I imagined her with me wherever I went, imagined all the conversations we would have if she existed. I crave that connection with someone, that "twin soul" connection.
I stalk people in social websites trying to find out if they're "the one", the person I'm looking for. I judge them based on their likes, their posts, etc. But of course I never find anyone I like. Sometimes when I go to an event, I think "we will find each other in that event, I know" and I even imagine that we will recognize each other at first sight. I imagine these scenarios where we meet and we find out we've been both looking for each other, and now we've finally met and will be happy together. I sometimes think of wearing something special when going out (like a ring or something) so that this person will recognize me. I will wear a ring with a heart, for example, or with a particular color, and he/she will wear the same or something similar and we will recognize immediately. I've went to chat websites like Omegle and used tags like "where are you", "find me", etc. and see if someone else connects using the same tags. But no one does. And that breaks my heart. Because my reasoning was "well maybe that person exists and is looking for me, and is so similar to me that he/she will use the same tags in the same website at the same time" but nothing happened, of course. Another big dissapointment. My life is nothing more than constant disillusionment.
These types of thoughts are eating me alive. I know that person doesn't exist and I can't live with that, because I don't think I will ever be happy if I don't find him/her. And I don't think I can stand being friends or dating "normal" people, that is, most people in the world. I'm too picky. I don't think I will ever connect with them. I wanted to have children and live a family life but if I never find anyone, I will probably never have children, or I will have to have them with a person I don't really love. It makes me feel sad.
I think this "obsession" started in late 2015 and it hasn't stopped, it's getting worse. Maybe it's because I've been alone almost my whole life. I'm an only child. I've always been an introvert and a daydreamer, someone who spent all her time in her own world, and I never had any friends in school. I've spent most of my life ( from like 8 years old to now when I'm 17) in my room, alone with my thoughts and daydreams, always on the internet. I was basically raised by the internet (I don't want to be unfair with parents. They did care about me and are good parents but the internet had a big influence) and I feel so distant and different from most people. Like, I didn't have the same life experience as them and I can't seem to find anything in common with them. I'm not from the USA, I'm from a country in South America. I have customs different than those from my country which makes me feel even more isolated from everyone. I feel so so different from everyone I know. I once went to someone's house and just... I felt so so different. Like I could never live like that. It's hard to explain here.
God I don't know what to do. I think of suicide all the time. I'm at the point where I've lost hope of finding someone. I know he/she doesn't exist, I wish I could accept it and move on but I don't know how to do it. I will never be happy being alone, I need someone (but not any person, THAT person)
I'm afraid of telling people about this because I feel like they would think I'm crazy (I probably am) I feel like a big void inside me almost all the time. It hurts so much. The only time when I don't feel it is when I'm daydreaming about being with that person, when I daydream about finding him/her. But I know it hurts me, because I have to come back to reality. I can't tell my parents why I'm sad because I don't think they would understand this. I'm going to see a psychologist soon and I'm not sure if I should tell her, I'm scared of how she'll react. I don't know what's going on with me, I don't how to fix it. The only reasons why I'm still alive is 1. not wanting to hurt my family and 2. the small hope I still have of things getting better and finding someone.
Is there a name for this? A solution?