Saw T2.

He said a stupid thing about how he's aware of how soon it is since I left T1 and I've moved onto him straight away and he wonders what he 'represents' and he wonders 'what it would be like' for me to be without a therapist for a while. It felt like a horrible rejection, like he obviously doesn't want to work with me, and I told him so. He said that wasn't what he was saying, that he does want to work with me, etc etc. But it was too late, that attempted reassurance didn't work, I told him I didn't believe him. I told him I felt like he was afraid to work with me. I told him I didn't want to be there, that I wanted to be with T1.

And I do... want to be with T1. So much.

I told him that what I want him to 'represent' for me is a person who can help me process the recent painful loss of someone who I have complicated feelings about. And yes, I do understand that it's more complex than that, given that he is literally taking that person's place... but I do not want to go through this alone.

The session got better. I talked about the confusing conflicted nature of my feelings, how being physically/romantically intimate with T1 is both my ultimate fantasy and my worst nightmare. He reflected my feelings well, he seemed to really understand. I like the way he uses language and metaphor and I like how attentive he is to what I say. He also seemed to have a good memory of some of the things I'd said last week. I appreciate that.

I told him how T1 had said he wanted to hold me, and how it was the stupidest thing to say, given my feelings, but I hadn't been able to get it out of my head - it felt so good and yet so terrible. Then, later, almost at the end of the session, it was like he'd prepared some little speech - he said he wouldn't physically hold me, or say that he wanted to (to which I laughed and said 'thanks'), but that he hoped he could hold me in the therapeutic space, and offer me a place where I could feel comfortable to work through the pain of my recent loss, as well as perhaps working out what had been going on that was causing my complicated feelings. It was a bit clumsy, but it was nice. I appreciated it. And it definitely showed that he'd been... listening, paying attention.

He seemed kind of nervous and awkward... I am very sensitive to that kind of thing (preoccupied attachment and all that). I have a lingering fear that he is out of his depth with me (just like T1), but... probably it's just going to take some time to get comfortable with each other. That's okay, I guess.

I left feeling incredibly sad, spent some time sobbing on the bus, felt like I wanted to hurt myself and like I'm crazy and stupid and creepy and broken and everyone hates me. But I talked to some friends and drank some beer and now I'm okay.

I didn't ask if he's okay with me emailing him though... really didn't want to seem any more clingy after what he'd said.