At the heart of this is your feeling you don’t deserve to be loved. You say you are shady and a liar. That’s why you feel you deserve this abuse.

The BDSM society rules fascinate me. They play out a fantasy, but then act loving and supportive.

Yours (and mine) is a relationship of sexual, emotional abuse. That’s the difference. BDSM is a fun game with leather, abuse is REAL. Sadists really hurt you, and they don’t hold you and tell you how beautiful you are afterward. Masochists want to be abused because they think, just like you do, that they deserve it. Or, sometimes, it just really turns them on. Sometimes, abuse feels like love.