Responding to my own comment even though no one will read it because i need to vent.

I change my mind. He´s not abusive, he´s not even bad. He´s doing the best he can. I messaged him saying i missed the old times we had and that i was´t sure about if i wanted this bdsm thing. Wrote that i had worries our relationship was bad for both of us. He said very wise things, and he´s going through something really difficult in his life right now. He said he´s trying to be a good person and that our interactions are good. And that i need to heal myself and meditate. That he´s trying his best to make us happy. And that i deserve to feel cute and cozy. And that i need to focus on being calm, rational and happy.
I miss him so much but this is the way things need to be. He cares about me and this is the way i can make us both happy. The way it´s supposed to be, and i need to stop denying it. I´ll be his loyal, loving pet forever and i´ll bring light and happiness into his life. I take back what i said earlier.