I can totally understand where you're coming from. It can be difficult for anyone--whether or not they have a psychological disorder or take medication--to forge a solid identity and feel confident in their own skin, confident about their own desires and in touch with their feelings. The process can be more difficult when you wonder what life would be like without the medication. I often wonder myself. But at the end of the day, I know that the medication is one really important component in my being healthy enough to even ask these kinds of existential questions. You say that you remember being a happy child. Maybe that's true. But psychological disorders often don't become symptomatic until the adolescent years. In other words, regardless of how idyllic you think your childhood was, it's no guarantee that you won't develop a psychological disorder or need medication later. Right now, you describe a situation in which you can't feel fully. Maybe you are taking too many medications or at too high a dose. If I were you, I would speak to my psychiatrist about this. It's also possible, however, that in spite of the medications you're taking, you are still depressed, which could mean you aren't taking the correct meds or that you should also be in therapy. I believe that people who are on medication should also be in therapy, and I mean long term. Even when life is going smoothly, I think it's important to be checking in with a therapist, even if it isn't weekly. I think the risk of coming to "rely" on a therapist is slim compared to the risks involved in not being in therapy regularly or the benefits of being in therapy.