I was thinking about this earlier this morning...

"Ya know, the feeling of wanting to be heard, valued and loved but being afraid to reach out for it.

The feeling that if you do, you will be shunned away or of no importance."

I have problems with open and honest communication because I do not trust people. I don't trust that my words will be heard, and if by some chance I get listened to, I just know my words are only being heard so they can be ripped to shreds now or in the future or somehow used against me, to get me. Whatever. I just know it's going to come back to bite me so it's best to keep my mouth shut... hurts less being invisible than it does to speak up and be disregarded and/or hurt. I don't really think anyone ever will do right by me. I don't know how to think anything else.

I wonder, for me anyway, if I actually have to trust people or if it's okay enough to just insert trusting actions. Like, I don't have to believe it, I just have to do it. Maybe the believing will come later. I tried the whole open and honest communication earlier this week with someone. I just knew going into it that it would be awful.. braced myself for worst of the worst. Prepared myself for a few hours to have that talk. Heart rate went through the freakin roof, but I did it. And it turned out okay. It wasn't even a big deal, but it was really disturbing to me. But after, I think now maybe, hm, maybe I can do that again. So, I will try again later. I wonder if I do this enough and get enough okay outcomes, maybe that is how I will get trust. I have nothing real from my past to draw on. The one safe I remember, I think that was mostly in my head. I dunno. Maybe I can make some in the future though. Maybe if I am luckier, this new found idea will stick around and not vanish into oblivion on me. I tend to derail myself like a champ. Anyway...

Yeah, this stuff all kinds of messes up my healing, my progress, my relationships, my everything. It has for years.