I understand what you mean. I am terribly alone. Crushingly alone. It hurts so badly and there doesn’t seem like anything can change it. Of course all this ends up leading to helplessness and self-hate. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that.

I’ve also been craving romantic fulfillment recently. I had my heart broken in March 2004. At the same time I found out I didn’t get accepted to the graduate school I applied to, I owed 1600 dollars in taxes (thanks Mr. Bush), my car insurance and registration had lapsed, plus my bike got stolen. At the beginning of the year it looked like my life was finally coming into focus but by the end of March it seemed like it had all fallen apart. For about a month I couldn’t eat, sleep, take pleasure in anything.

Come the summer I decided to take action. I got a new bike and started riding 10-20 miles, 5/6 days a week. I started lifting weights. I got myself in the best shape of my life. I also play ultimate Frisbee summer league. I got involved with the Kerry campaign. I tried going out, being social. This has never been easy for me, even as far back as the 2nd grade. Unfortunately as the summer came to an end I hadn’t gotten one new phone number. I hadn’t made one new friend, male or female. It crushed me. I fell back into my depression again. I haven’t been able to get myself out since. I still try and go out and I try to talk to people but nothing ever seems to come of it.

I’ve always been plagued by social anxiety. This makes getting into relationships so difficult especially as a man. It’s the guy that’s expected to make the first move, do the courting, act confident, etcetera. When you’re fighting social terror it’s hard to do these things. Add this to the fact that I’m not attractive and only 5’6” and it’s the kiss of death. I can see the “Nah” in woman’s eyes before I say or do anything. It doesn’t do a whole lot for the self worth. [Just a note for any other ladies that might read this, please try and look past the tall issue. I hear women all the time list height as being extremely important. Try to understand that this is just like a man saying, “I only date women with big breasts.” There’s nothing I can do about it and it doesn’t reflect on my personality. It’s just the way I am.]

I don’t know what else to tell you. Just try and keep in mind that we’re all capable of loving and being loved, faults and all. Me, you, everyone.

And if it helps, I saw your picture when you posted about your hair, you’re a very pretty girl.