Thank you. I´ve probably triggered every single person who´s seen my post by how immature and naively stubborn i act. Believe me, i know how stupid i sound.
This relationship feels right and good and cute and lovely half of the time, and excruciatingly terrifying and wrong half of the time.

I think he knows our relationship is bad too. He said once that he knows there´s a wrongness in our relationship but that he likes it. Said once he didn´t want to go to jail because i liked feeling like a victim.

Sorry that this will be a long reply, but so many nice people have responded to my post that i feel the need to write something that i´ve gotten out of/learned from everyone´s advice.

-Option 1, i stay and love him and things probably most ****ing likely go to hell
-Option 2, i leave him and heal (too impossible, i can´t)
The best option: He gets a girlfriend so i don´t have to be with him anymore, him leaving would fix everything
What i´m going to do in the near future: I won´t be able to do anything drastic, but i will NOT travel to visit him, and i will contact a therapist and tell them about all of this mess.

Thank you again.