I bought my first computer in 1998 because I'd spent two years being told I was all alone in this country with my rare type of a rare form of a rare disease (familial amyloidosis). I was told I'd lose the use of my arms/leg, be blind within a few years, and very sick from head to toe. I knew it was true because I'd watched my mother suffer for many years in that condition. Finding no treatment/cure options, I found myself posting on boards for depression because I'd become suicidal. It's difficult to fight for life when you know it's only going to get worse, to the point of being unbearable.

After I accepted my fate, I settled into "Sanctuary for Spiritual Support." I'm not a Christian, but I realized how much God had played a part in my life - from the very beginning. People have turned away from me, but God has never turned away from me.

In the previous "Sanctuary," we had people who worshipped in various ways. I thought it was a little strange to see Europeans following the "Red Road" (native spirituality), but their descriptions sounded eerily like Hollywood stereotypes. Their justification was even harder for me to understand. I found it strange the "Red Road" followers were being accused by some of worshipping "evil" spirits, while others applauded them for being so close to God.

At the same time, I'd seen a small news clip about protests of the U of I sports mascot, with the usual "only a handful of Indians protested." I was shocked when I first saw that mascot dancing in 1978. It was hard for me to believe only a "handful" of natives were offended. Our African American community would be outraged if we did the same to them here in Chicago.

Also at the same time my sister in TX informs me my nephew (her son) joined the Order of the Arrow (Boy Scouts) and was learning how to dance in powwows and make his own regalia. She proudly told me he was doing this to "honor" natives, preserve their culture, and teach the public all about natives. Huh? I couldn't understand how a Scandinavian/German boy could possibly preserve all the various cultures by learning how to dance and act like an Indian, especially when I found out his instructors weren't even native. Why were these boys teaching the general public about "native life?"

I joined a native board that focuses on news and real life (non-spiritual board) because I wanted to hear from real natives. I wanted to hear their views and how these three issues effect their lives. I wanted to know what life was really like for them. It was eye opening, to say the least - and very upsetting.

Over the years I've become close personal friends with many people over there, and we've also had the opportunity to visit in person in the "real world." I believe what they say because I've seen it with my own eyes. I would hate to see them suffer any further at the hands of others.

I went into this innocently. I just wanted to understand some things a little better before I'm cut off from the world due to my illness. I'm obviously not blind yet, but I'm homebound now and my vision is getting worse.

I can't physically help my friends, but I can continue to speak out and pray for them. It's a tremendous burden because I care so deeply for them, but I have no where to turn if I need emotional support myself. I'm locked out and told my life is too political to discuss. My vision is too poor to be struggling with trying to hold a group conversation privately.

I bring my burdens to God, but where can I go when I need a shoulder - without being told to get over it, shut up, and/or go away?