Deep down I know none of them really left but it felt like I'm the only one staying behind and everyone is just leaving me. I take subtle clues ("You didn't respond me for such a long time and used such a cold tone. You must hate me now. Did I do something wrong last time we talk?" "Why did she stop tagging me in posts now? We haven't hangout in weeks but she doesn't miss me at all, everytime it's me that text her first...") in my daily interations with people too seriously, everytime people (especially those I trusted) mistreat me I feel heartbroken as if they are gonna leave me again. I know it's not their fault that they can't read my mind they don't know what I need the most, but that just made me feel worse about myself. I feel like such a horrible person. Through experience I know I can't express that anxiety and insecurities to other people bc I will just end up driving them away. So I supress those emotions inside, but it's often too much for me to take. When I couldn't stand it anymore I would just lock myself in the house for days. Talking to myself only made it worse. I feel so bad about myself even if I know nobody did anything wrong but it just happened. My emotions are like the ocean. Wide like the ocean. And constantly shifting. I can be extremely confident and happy and energetic and passionate and believe in everything good in the world, and the next second I would sink into terrible depression. Sometimes I don't even need a trigger to shift emotions. It just happens, my brain does it for me.
Sometimes I would trust people and tell them about my insecurities. But they just all end up leaving me. I feel like as if I'm the problem here. Maybe after hearing about my issues and what really goes on in my brain and how I really am (emotionally unstable and difficult to deal with, nobody, not even me knows what's gonna trigger me next) they got scared or disgusted or just thinking I'm too much of a trouble. They all left. I am the one who's making all those people leave. If different people end up all leaving me, then I must be the explainatory variable here. (I'm taking a stat class I'm sorry) I trust people way too easily without any rational thinking, if I felt a "click" there, I would trust them completely. I fall for them and tell them everything. And they just leave. Or I leave, because of some trivial details that made me pull away. Most of the times I'm conflicted and would go on both extremes.
...sorry, I wrote too much. But at least that's how I feel. Finally I can have a space where I can share all my insecurities and maybe get some comfort. I don't know.