yall are probably getting tired of me... sorry...
i just dont really have anyone else to talk to or anywhere else to go

i see the new therapist on nov 10, hopefully if all goes well and i can get transportation... (my mind is so full of worries grr) so hoping that i will hit it off with her and have someone to talk to then that can really re-arrange this messed up brain of mine

but anyway...
i will try not to overly complicate this

i was feeling good and wanted to try to talk to this girl. i wasn't intoxicated or anything just was feeling ok.. and it all went great i guess, i mean she's still talking to me and everything and she is really sweet and understanding but im feeling kind of triggered... scared!
feeling like i've already been rejected again even though i've lightly told her that im a little nervous and said i have ptsd which she has ptsd aswell which i think kind of helps her understand a little but i just cant stop the terror, the feeling of being unworthy and like its just going to fall apart and im going to have to deal with the dreadful pain again; i feel so pathetic which all just reinforces it and makes me feel like i cant or shouldn't be doing any of this and is just going to cause me to ruin it all again without even giving me a fair chance

i want to so badly overcome this because she's really lovely and its keeping me from expressing myself and being able to be playful as im having to try to battle with these things at the same time as trying to hide it and seem like everything is ok and i just feel awful because like maybe she deserves someone better and i should just give up..

it hurts am i supposed to just be alone?