Because when memories are disjointed and not complete, when blame is felt by the victim, because of the manner of the death, because of the complexity of the feelings... I'm so sorry you are going through this. Complex grief takes a long long time but you will reach a point of peace with this.
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Pegasus
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“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing that it is stupid.” - Albert Einstein