I'm so sorry you are suffering. Where i live the crisis line is really good. So helpful to talk it over with another human being. Is that an option for you? And remember, there's always the ER. I've come to care about you and am so moved by your tragic story of your husband's death. I don't know what i would do if you did something final. I like the saying, "This too shall pass." I saw it tattooed in beautiful script on a young man's inner forearm. Stay safe.