my experience is wacked out...

i have a really hard time remembering my past even up to the present day, this morning and yesterday..
most of my memories are blurred and a distant detached mess and alot is just simply missing

but i was raised in a dysfunctional home with parents that didnt have it together really... its a confusing mess because they will mix stories together saying that things were good but then things werent good like they themselves cant make up their minds

in the beginning they were supposed to be going to church and following rules and stuff but im doubtful of how that was as to the history of both parents, to say the least even if that was true it went out the window and drugs and alcohol came in with neglect and abuse all around with blame and pointing fingers going opposite directions... giving credence to my mother side atleast she was being beaten and not able to really defend herself...

somewhere along the lines there were role reversals... my mind got mixed up and i became a guardian of sorts... i was really young, it all started probably before i was 2 years old but my memory is blocked... i just remember trying to take care of her a few times the best i could like making peanut butter sandwhich or getting a coffee something that i thought would make her feel better and staying by her side even walking down the road in the middle of the night trying to get away from the violence..

some time passed and then the social services put me in foster care which i think ripping me away did something else to my mind because i dont remember being in foster care at all... which was from like 9 years old to like 11...

i have seen the foster parents like once or twice since being an adult and its really bad/strange because they want to talk about some fun stories and i just try to fake it because i cant remember at all and they dont really know about my problems i dont think... i dont really like seeing them but they are nice people

now i just feel really messed up inside like i dont really know whats going on or whats real... my mind keeps changing or being altered to different states and leaving me feeling confused and fake, unreal, unsure of who i am and what i am doing in life; afraid

i am all alone and have always been alone because i have never had anyone to count on or rely on... scared to develop relationships with anyone because i feel like they are just going to end up causing more pain and confusion, but none the less in altered states i end up trying anyway and usually fail or self destruct because feeling like im gonna fail anyway and end in pain

really sucks because i try to be a really good guy and all i want is friends and happiness and i try hard but im just struggling really bad..
i end up shutting down and pushing away... causing more pain... loneliness...

i've been trying to get help for a long time but its not really going anywhere fast...
medications dont really help and its really disappointing...

i just want to get better