I wish I had the guts to go to therapy. I worry I won't find someone good enough, clever enough or with training on my issues. I have been once through some kind of CBT therapy and it was the worst, the therapist was just trying to make me do some homework, I couldn't do, without understanding why I couldn't do it or the all picture of me. This was at the hospital, then they didn't even reschedule my apoitment after one time I got the dates messed and missed it. I asked my pdoc to refer me again to therapy, but I think she didn't, has it was months ago and I didn't hear from them. Anyway, I have my suspition that she didn't do it on porpuse as she said in that same apoitment that there was nothing she could do for me. (Really nice thing to say) And that she thought I am very well adapted to my life as a lonely person, I should just accept who I am. Yes, I may have schizoid traits, but I am a big avoidant too with a huge social anxiety that has to work with lots of people everyday! And depression also doesn't help, which I keep falling into. I am not adjusted, I can't be adjusted!
And there's my sister, whom I live with, just slighiest older than me, who by the way is a pdoc trainee. Who is all over the place in my life, but to whom I don't disclose any of my deep feelings, as I am ashamed of them, and as I never trully did before.
And I am at this stupid dead end road at which if I wanted to get a therapist elsewhere I would have to disclose everything to my sister and almost ask her permission. And I don't want to do that, I don't feel comfortable doing that, I get scared and anxious just imagining myself doing that.
And as I live with her and don't have many options at home renting, I just have to keep going on on my own.
I don't even know how to speak about what I go through, my memories get erased, I talk about it but sudenly I get emotionaly disconected with my own experiences, I can't find the words or build a speach, just disconected short sentences. What is this? Come on!
I am supose to be smart and then all this lack of ideas! Am I really smart? The tests say so, but otherwise I am just a mess. I say and do dumb things all the time. Why the facts of everydays logic keep passing by me? And then I hear why at it seems all so obvious...